The Best (and Worst) Mindfulness and Meditation Jokes of all time

A Meditation student asks their teacher how long it will take them to gain enlightenment if they practice diligently. 
"Ten years," says the teacher. 
"Well, how about if I really work and double my effort?"
"Twenty years."

A Meditation student asked his teacher, "Am I allowed to send you email?"
"Yes," replied the teacher, "But no attachments please." 

Q: Why do mindfulness students love going to airports?
A: Because they always get a free body scan!

Q: Why could the mindfulness teacher not decide which chocolate to buy?
A: Because she was practising choiceless awareness.

Q: What did the meditation teacher say to the business man when teaching him meditation?
A: I want you take three deep, slow breaths....and then…very slowly, let go of your mobile phone.

Q: What’s the most mindful bug in the world?
A: Bees. They are always in ‘be-ing mode’

Q: Why did the meditation teacher give no change when a student paid for a meditation cushion?
A: Because change has to come from within.

Me: Hey buddy, would you like to learn mindfulness?
Friend: Nope...
Me: Why not?
Friend: Mind-ful-ness...that’s crazy...My mind is full enough already!

(my friend actually did say this to me and was serious!)

Why do meditation experts stay away from vacuum cleaners?
Because there’s too many attachments involved.

Why do meditation masters enjoy playing tennis?
Because the scores always start with love, love. The game always begins with a service. And the winner gets a cup that’s empty.

Q: What’s london underground’s way of teaching you to be aware of the silence in your mind?
A: Mind the gap.

When you’re young, you’re always worrying what other people are thinking about you.
When you reach middle age, you no longer care what other people think of you.
And when you’re old, you realise, everyone was just thinking about themselves all along.

I think there’s 4 important things in life. 
Compassion for self and others. Recognising that others have difficulties in life, just like you, and to treat them as you treat yourself. Allowing and accepting things to be as they are in this present moment. Peace of mind is the highest happiness.

Or just remember the acronym CRAP for short.

I’m thinking of going on an online digital detox program.

If your brain and your heart swapped places...what would happen?

When someone suggests a new idea: Great idea, let me feel about it…
When you’re in maths class: What’s 2 + 2?  Easy, it’s love man.
When you’re not using your head: Don’t be so thinky! Use your heart for goodness sake!
When meditating: Let’s practice some heartfulness meditation
When on London Underground: Heart the gap
When playing games: I’m gonna try some heart training games to keep me loving in older age
When a student isn’t focusing in class: ‘Jonny, can you open your heart more please? 

What’s the difference between your friendly yoga teacher and a credit card.
Your yoga teacher is your flexible friend. Your credit card is a piece of plastic.

Why do they keep giving out free chocolate at our meditation retreat?
Because it’s a reTREAT.

For his birthday, one of his students gave the Dalai Lama a big box with a ribbon around it. When he opened the box, he found that it was empty inside. 
"Aha," he exclaimed, "just what I wanted!"

Q. What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?

A. Inquire within! 

A mindfulness instructor was arrested by a student before the class started…

Apparently it was for pre-meditated murder.