BREAKING: Local Online Meditation Club Appoints New 'Chief Mindfulness Officer' (He’s a Sloth)

I have finally found time to share on here, something that has changed my life, my work, and believe it or not, my curtain rail!

His name is Biscuit. :)

A few weeks ago, a wildlife sanctuary contacted me with an unusual request.

They had taken in a two-toed sloth, rescued from an illegal exotic pet situation, and needed a very meditative, temporary home while they arranged a permanent placement.

Someone on their team had apparently Googled "calm person in north London”, as that’s where their office is based, and my website came up. Their CEO asked them to reach out to me.

Within 24 hours, they interviewed me, along with a spiritual reiki master healer (apparently too many shiny crystals in their home and on their earrings), a Rishikesh trained ‘slow flow’ yogi (too many incense sticks had made all their yoga pants an allergy risk).

They asked how ‘slowly I move’ and if I have ‘space for a sloth on something like a curtain rail’ and if I do things like meditate regularly to create a calm, social environment.

They even timed how fast we all walked in the office without us knowing. I somehow won, probably as my heavy curry for lunch had me going at sloth-like pace.

I said yes to all their questions of course, partly because I had not fully thought it through and what seemed kinda unreal, became real very soon.

Biscuit Shows Up!

biscuit moves so little, he hardly needs to breathE!

A few days later, they actually brought Biscuit over! I couldn’t believe my eyes. He arrived in a very cozy crate, with careful trainers, moving at a speed I can only describe as "theoretical."

He weighed about the same as a bag of rice when I finally got to hold him.

He gazed at me with his permanent, ancient, half-lidded smile…it felt like the smile of someone who has read every book on mindfulness, spirituality, nonduality, had let it all go, and achieved everything.

And I felt, not to be dramatic, that I was in the presence of something ‘Buddha-like’ with major chillout vibes.

If you’ve ever seen a sloth in real life (who’s actually half awake), you know exactly what I mean.

They put him on my curtain rail and said according to research, that’s probably the best place in London for him - In a meditation teacher’s bedroom….strange, I know, but I guess it kind of made sense.

After watching me meditate, move slowly and biscuit happily snoring on the rail, they left!

He hung there.

Snoring and smiling.

I sat down.

And something shifted.

The following morning at 7.30am, I ran my usual Daily Mindfulness Club morning session. Biscuit was still on the curtain rail, because moving him felt both physically difficult….and probably spiritually inadvisable.

All the risk assessments were based on him pretty much staying on that rail.

He was, as always, just hanging there. Smiling. Blinking once every four to six minutes. Occasionally turning his head in a movement so slow it felt like watching the tide come in.

I decided to switch on my camera as others wanted to have a little look as they meditated.

Within minutes, members began messaging in the chat.

"Something feels different today."

"I've never gone this deep this fast."

"Shamash, what is that behind you."

I introduced Biscuit of course. The chat erupted. It felt like forty-two people sent the 🦥 emoji simultaneously. 

Sandra from Swindon said it was the most present she'd felt since 2019. 

Derek from Aberdeen said he'd finally understood what "letting go" meant and he credited, specifically, the sloth's face.

So I began leaving Biscuit on the curtain rail for every session.

Results improved across the board.

Word spread, as word does, from our little cosy club into the wider world. 

A member, I won't name her, but she knows who she is, Carol, posted a clip to TikTok. 

Just thirty seconds. Biscuit hanging. Biscuit smiling. Lo-fi music. The caption: "this sloth is more enlightened than my entire yoga teacher training."

Four million views in forty-eight hours!

I reshared the TikTok. The comments were extraordinary.

"I watched this seven times and I feel like a different person." 

"My cortisol literally dropped watching this." 

"I don't know what this sloth has but I need it bottled."  (Funny — I had a similar idea recently.) 

"POV: you've achieved what monks spend decades working towards and you did it by hanging on a curtain and smiling."

The hashtag #BiscuitEnergy began trending.

Then #SleepyEnlightenment.

Then, inexplicably, #HangLooseGoDeep

Then came the requests.

Orders for Soft Toys Flood In

It started with one member asking, very politely, whether she could purchase a sloth soft toy to hang above her meditation cushion. 

She had, she explained, found that simply looking at Biscuit during sessions was doing something for her nervous system that five years of breathwork had not managed, and she wanted the energy present in her own home.

Within 72 hours, we had hundreds of new club members, all making more sloth requests. 

I sourced organic cotton, ethically sourced, vegan friendly, extra fluffly, curtain rail hangable sloth teddies. 

Members began hanging them upside down from bookshelves, curtain rails, headboards, and in one case — Terry from Bristol, you absolute pioneer — a specially constructed sloth chandelier above their meditation cushion.

The TikToks multiplied….you’ve probably seen them.

#UpsideDownAndPresent — 14 million views. #SlothMindfulness — 22 million views. #HangingWithBiscuit — 31 million views and I’m now in talks with a guest appearance on Saturday Night Live in the US…that could take things to the next level…if that’s even possible!

A journalist from a major newspaper called to ask if I was "the sloth meditation man." I said I preferred "mindfulness teacher," paused, and then said yes, fine, sloth meditation man.

Orders for the sloth teddies. which I am now, apparently, selling, passed one million last Tuesday. Don’t ask, we’ve sold out!

I have had to partner with a fulfilment warehouse in Northampton. The warehouse manager, Phil, has never heard of soths or meditation, but has seen the TikToks and says Biscuit has, quote, "a good face for business."

Phil is not wrong.

I have now livestreamed Biscuit seventeen times.

I do not speak during these streams. I simply point the camera at Biscuit. He hangs. He smiles. He occasionally turns his head with the urgency of the slowly rotating planet, Uranus.

Viewers watch in their thousands, in silence, leaving only comments.

"I cancelled therapy for this." (Please don't do this.) 

"I've been watching for 40 minutes and I forgot I had anxiety." 

"THE SMILE. THE SMILE IS EVERYTHING." 

"Biscuit for President!”

Last week's ‘Biscuit Stream’ peaked at 240,000 concurrent viewers. I was not in the frame. It was just Biscuit. Hanging. Being.

I’m in talks with a very large biscuit company about creating a biscuit shaped like Biscuit! I’ve told them it would have to be vegan, organic, gluten-free, delicous and take a very long time to eat…just as biscuit would like.

The YouTube algorithm, which I have spent three years attempting to understand, has apparently decided that a sloth on a curtain rail is exactly what it was waiting for.

I have learned to make peace with this.

The ‘Biscuit Effect’

Neuroscientists are getting seriously interested. A researcher whose work I genuinely admire emailed to ask if we could discuss "the Biscuit Effect" — the measurable drop in physiological arousal that apparently occurs within ninety seconds of viewing footage of Biscuit doing absolutely nothing.

She used the phrase "passive parasympathetic activation via slow biological rhythm entrainment." I forwarded it to Biscuit who has his own email account now, of course. He hasn’t responded yet.

There is a draft of a peer-reviewed paper circulating

The working title is: "Hang On: Sloth-Mediated Nervous System Regulation in Remote Mindfulness Cohorts."

I could not be more proud.

Biscuit is, I should mention, eating well, receiving expert veterinary care, and will be moving to a specialist sanctuary in a week or so, where he will have outdoor space, companionship, and significantly better curtain rails than mine.

I will miss him, as will our meditation community of course.

But the sloth teddies are non-refundable.

The TikToks will live forever.

#BiscuitEnergy is eternal.

And the morning sessions will never quite be the same.

If you got this far, congratulations. Keep today’s date, April 1st, secret - just share the fun and let’s see who else can enjoy this with a smile! :) There is, of course, no sloth. There never was a sloth on my curtain rail, sadly.

Biscuit does not exist. There is no curtain rail situation. No Carol from the club posted anything. Derek from Aberdeen has not had a breakthrough, or if he has, it was entirely his own doing and I had nothing to do with it. Phil in Northampton is, presumably, living a normal and sloth-free life. There are no teddies. There is no warehouse. The peer-reviewed paper does not exist and I sincerely hope no actual neuroscientist reads this and feels professionally attacked. It is the 1st of April. You hung on every word and smiled like a sloth, didn't you? Just like Biscuit would have wanted. Happy April Fools' Day. See you Thursday. No sloths. Probably.

What is real? Our daily mindfulness club. A live guided meditation everyday, rain or shine, sloths or no sloths. Email me to try it free for a month….seriously.

With love and absolutely zero exotic pets, Shamash 🙏🏾

P.S. #BiscuitEnergy is real. Carry it with you.