The Best (and Worst) Mindfulness and Meditation Jokes of all time
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don’t roll your third eye at me, thank you very much :)
Ok, these jokes may be bad. But please don’t roll your third eye at me.
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Why did the meditation student get confused at the office Christmas party?
Because the boss said, "It's time to present the present in the present."
Why do mindful people not take selfies?
Because there is no self to selfie.
Did you hear about the guy that joined ‘Mindfulness Anonymous’?
He said ‘My name is Michael, and I’ve been stuck in the present moment for 6 months straight.’
Q: What do they say to start the meditation Olympics?
A: Ready…..Steady……Stop!
Non-meditator: ‘Don’t just sit there, do something!
Meditator: ‘Don’t just do something, sit there!
Q: Why do mindful meditators love birthdays?
A: They love all the ‘Presents’.
A Meditation student asks their teacher how long it will take them to gain enlightenment if they practice diligently.
"Ten years," says the teacher.
"Well, how about if I really work and double my effort?"
"Twenty years."
A Meditation student asked his teacher, "Am I allowed to send you email?"
"Yes," replied the teacher, "But no attachments please."
Q: Why do mindfulness students love going to airports?
A: Because they always get a free body scan!
Q: Why could the mindfulness teacher not decide which chocolate to buy?
A: Because she was practising choiceless awareness.
Q: What did the meditation teacher say to the business man when teaching him meditation?
A: I want you take three deep, slow breaths....and then…very slowly, let go of your mobile phone.
Q: What’s the most mindful bug in the world?
A: Bees. They are always in ‘be-ing mode’
Q: Why did the meditation teacher give no change when a student paid for a meditation cushion?
A: Because change has to come from within.
Me: Hey buddy, would you like to learn mindfulness?
Friend: Nope...
Me: Why not?
Friend: Mind-ful-ness...that’s crazy...My mind is full enough already!
(my friend actually did say this to me and was serious!)
Why do meditation experts stay away from vacuum cleaners?
Because there’s too many attachments involved.
Why do meditation masters enjoy playing tennis?
Because the scores always start with love, love. The game always begins with a service. And the winner gets a cup that’s empty.
Q: What’s london underground’s way of teaching you to be aware of the silence in your mind?
A: Mind the gap.
When you’re young, you’re always worrying what other people are thinking about you.
When you reach middle age, you no longer care what other people think of you.
And when you’re old, you realise, everyone was just thinking about themselves all along.
I think there’s 4 important things in life.
Compassion for self and others. Recognising that others have difficulties in life, just like you, and to treat them as you treat yourself. Allowing and accepting things to be as they are in this present moment. Peace of mind is the highest happiness.
Or just remember the acronym CRAP for short.
I’m thinking of going on an online digital detox program.
If your brain and your heart swapped places...what would happen?
When someone suggests a new idea: Great idea, let me feel about it…
When you’re in maths class: What’s 2 + 2? Easy, it’s love man.
When you’re not using your head: Don’t be so thinky! Use your heart for goodness sake!
When meditating: Let’s practice some heartfulness meditation
When on London Underground: Heart the gap
When playing games: I’m gonna try some heart training games to keep me loving in older age
When a student isn’t focusing in class: ‘Jonny, can you open your heart more please?
What’s the difference between your friendly yoga teacher and a credit card.
Your yoga teacher is your flexible friend. Your credit card is a piece of plastic.
Why do they keep giving out free chocolate at our meditation retreat?
Because it’s a reTREAT.
For his birthday, one of his students gave the Dalai Lama a big box with a ribbon around it. When he opened the box, he found that it was empty inside.
"Aha," he exclaimed, "just what I wanted!"
Q. What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?
A. Inquire within!
A mindfulness instructor was arrested by a student before the class started…
Apparently it was for pre-meditated murder.
Q: What do you call a mindful wolf?
A: Aware wolf
Q: What did one mindful meditator say to the other mindful meditator?
A: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?
Q: Why did the student not want to join the mindfulness class?
A: They said: ‘My mind is full enough!’
Q: Why did the Zen master go to the beach?
A: Because he wanted to ‘seas’ the present moment.
I love meditating in my herb garden…
Good Thymes…
My trainer says I should do less meditating and more lunges to stay in shape.
I said that could be a big step forward.
I’ve taken a vow of silence for the rest of my life....
I can’t tell you how much it means to me.
I’ve know a meditation to make myself disappear.
I can’t see myself sharing it.
Today I'd love to share the 3 unwritten rules of mindfulness:
1.
2.
3.
What effect do bonsai trees have on meditation?
Very little
What time did the mindful student leave my class to go to the dentist?
Tooth Hurty.
I've started teaching Mindfulness to help reduce sarcasm....
It’s sooooooo goood. You just HAVE to try it.
My client asked for a meditation cushion.
I got her a trampoline instead.
She hit the roof.
Mindfulness Teacher: I wish I could teach meditation at our local library….but we can’t.
Student: Why?
Mindfulness Teacher: It was fully booked.
I can’t believe people who bring selfie sticks to meditation class....
They need to take a long, hard look at themselves.
An astronaut asked if she could join my meditation class.
I say yes, we’ve got space for you.
I reckon meditation & visualization could give me a six pack.
It's a gut feeling.
My friend is so into mindfulness, he calls himself a hippi.
And he calls his wife Mississippi.
Did you know Apple is releasing a new phone For Meditators?
It’s called the iWitness
Q: Why are frogs so mindful?
A: They eat whatever bugs them
When giving a present, remember it’s the thought that counts. Unless it’s for a meditation teacher. In that case, it’s the thought that doesn’t count.
I was going to tell you how meditation can help with time-travelling, but you didn’t like it.
My mindfulness teacher told me I’ll never stop procrastinating until I meditate, and I said just you wait.
I’ve been reading a book about levitating through meditation. It’s so good, I just can’t put it down.
They say mindfulness will help with my inferiority complex, but I’m not so sure.
Can mindfulness help stop me asking rhetorical questions?
Why did the electron show up to the mindfulness class? It felt negative all the time.
Rene Descartes showed up to my mindfulness class. I told him to simply breathe and let go of his thoughts. When I opened my eyes, he’d disappeared.
Why did the meditator refuse the piece of cake?
Because they have found their inner peace, they don't need another piece.
Why did the chicken cross the mindful road?
It was practising walking meditation!
Why did the chicken cross the road to the zen garden?
It was seeking a state of 'eggstasy'!
Doctor, Doctor, I keep getting distracted while trying to meditate.
Just take it one thought at a time!
What did the tree say to the meditating tree hugger?
Leaf your worries behind, and let’s branch out into the present!
Why did the grape drop into the meditation class on the way to work?
Because it ran out of juice, but it was raisin its awareness!
Why did the meditating tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing and realized the 'sauce' of its anxiety!
Why did the elephant start attending mindfulness circle?
Because the teacher said they wanted to talk about the elephant in the room.
My mindfulness teacher keeps telling me to meditate in the tree pose, which just isn’t right. I had to put my foot down.
Whats the easiest form of mindfulness?
Mindful eating. It’s a piece of cake.
I love having eskimos in my meditation class. They’re so good at breaking the ice.
A carpenter said meditation is about presence. The teacher said You’ve nailed it’.
A skeleton asked the teacher how much the mindfulness class costs. The teacher replied ‘For you, an arm and a leg’.
A man working for the local car repair shop started crying uncontrollably in mediation class.
I thought ‘this guy is heading for a breakdown’.
Apparently there’s a type of meditation you can do underwater that can enlighten you instantly.
I’m not holding my breath.
What did the mindfulness teacher say when a herbal medicine walked in?
Aloe, Vera.
I once had a meditation teacher that loved Cod Liver Oil.
I thought the classes were a bit super-fish-oil.
I’ve started a company for Buddhist driving instructors. it’s called ‘this too will pass’.
I ran a mindfulness class in a forest but one of the students got really sick.
She not out of the woods yet.
I have a feeling most people don’t have a good posture when they meditate .
Call it a hunch
Hope you enjoyed these mindfulness and meditation dad jokes! If you know any good mindfulness puns or jokes you’d like to share, feel free to message us and we’ll add it in!
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